blegh. BLEGH. bleurgh, even!

Planning to create or to revamp a shrine and need some help or a second eye with your content? Post away!
Forum rules
The usual guidelines in Constructive Criticism apply, and you have the option to flag your topic as "Sweet".
Post Reply
Sophia
Posts: 126
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:30 pm
Contact:

blegh. BLEGH. bleurgh, even!

Post by Sophia »

I've been noodling around with this piece for the Fictional Worlds challenge. I have a version of it up, but I'm not quite happy with it. I've been trying to think about who and what my shrine is for (thanks to some lovely #productivitybuddies and the lord of the eyes-emoji <3), and I think I'm happy with it being largely rooted in autobiography, blog-post-y things.

But I'm not quite happy with this piece I wrote, Indistinguishable.

I'm happy to take comments here, but maybe talking through would be helpful? I am also completely comfortable if no one is interested in reading this 4000 word monster, because it might be about nothing?.

Basically, there's this popular theory in the philosophy of science, and that theory has filtered how I think about how magic works in fantasy. Largely what I talk about is how FFVIII reminds me, and deviates from, that theory, and how what I really like about the world-lore and the morality of the game is that it's not neat.

If anyone wants to talk to me about this piece in particular, or about how they choose how and what to write at their shrines, please hit me up? (I'm Sophia#9993 on Discord, and all my other contact is here.

Part of me wants to rip my shrine from sections to like six pages and a set of links. I see now why shrines take months, maybe years!

RAY GUN SUE
Sophia
Posts: 126
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:30 pm
Contact:

Re: blegh. BLEGH. bleurgh, even!

Post by Sophia »

.... okay several wonderful people pinged me in the face right after posting this. I'm still very interested in talking about this essay, but I think I've figured out that I actually have three things I want to say about FF8 and magic.

1. Gender stuff (ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THAT GREEK MYTH ORIGIN)

2. Magic and Access to It (thundaga is not 4 u)

3. Is the game itself science fiction or fantasy?

and that this begs for separation

RAY GUN SUE
Robin
Events Staffer
Posts: 3072
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:15 pm
Location: North Carolina, USA
Contact:

Re: blegh. BLEGH. bleurgh, even!

Post by Robin »

Hey, first of all, WELL DONE for coagulating all of these thoughts together into an essay worthy of any English masters class. LOTS of material here to sink my theoretical teeth into :D

I do understand why you're having some difficulty with getting it to form up, though...but it's not because the essay is about nothing. Far from it! XD!! It's more that the points you're making are placed out of order right now, and are grouped as one large essay rather than separate essays in a single section. That can make it hard to edit as well as hard to achieve cohesion in each idea (source: experience with my "novel" that turned out to be 3 smaller books instead of one giant one, LOLOLOL).

We writers typically like to go "general to specific" in how we write essays, but I think in this case, going from specific to general might actually be better for conveying your overall philosophical points. With that in mind, what about dividing this essay into at least 5 pages, connecting them together with links, and arranging them in an order like this:
  • Quote about "strong god called Hyne" and the immediately following paragraphs
  • Segment on gender and magic in FFVIII (HOMG this one is awesome)
  • Segment on magic and its roles in fantasy at large
  • Segment on chicken & egg, scientific image + manifest image (add FFVIII analogies, etc., here)
  • Segment beginning with "To close, I want to recall"
Forming up your essay section something like this achieves several things:
  • Invites your FFVIII audience to read something interesting based off what they already know
  • Draws in curious people who don't know squat about the game, but like philosophy, and figure that a game's philosophy can't be that deep, so they have time for it (LOL)
  • Slowly broadens thinking outward like ripples, from FFVIII to fantasy/sci-fi in general
  • Deepens thinking, reaching into academic, scientific, and philosophical territories (and with the addition of FFVIII references, analogies, and metaphors, the readers can grasp these concepts even better)
  • Wraps up the mental adventure like an epic tale, returning to the world of FFVIII and including all the salient points in abbreviated form
You can definitely divide the essay into more pages if needed, or add more stuff as you see fit (like your proposed point about "is FFVIII sci fi or fantasy"). Just play around with the structure I've got here, and see what works best for you. I hope this helps you get rolling again!!

Also, some minor typos I noticed along the way:

Show/HideSPOILERSPOILER_SHOW
- "Despite the visual metaphor, they're more properly understoond..."

- "In the manifest image, human being noticed..."

- "Were it a device, that might be the source of the memory loss, an imperfect piece of technology; and if it is not, this might explain some of villainy of the sorceresses..."

- "That might be why as Thoraiya Dyer notes in Breaking Barries:..."
~ a dream is a wish your heart makes ~
withinmyworld.org
Sophia
Posts: 126
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:30 pm
Contact:

Re: blegh. BLEGH. bleurgh, even!

Post by Sophia »

-hugs all- I definitely need to spruce it up with images and headers, but I in fact redid that freaking essay ... and made it longer ... and broken up .. and better, ultimately, I hope. I think I broadly followed your advice, Robin. It's more polished, I think, though its ending might still be a fart, but it's closer to my fart, damnit.

At any rate, it begins here, with a break down of the sections here if anyone wants to peruse, or any FF8-ers want to yell at me.

Thank you so much for helping, Robs. <3

RAY GUN SUE
Robin
Events Staffer
Posts: 3072
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 3:15 pm
Location: North Carolina, USA
Contact:

Re: blegh. BLEGH. bleurgh, even!

Post by Robin »

OOOOOOO GURL *thumbs up thumbs wayyyy uppp*

I know you're still working on it, but it's coming along beautifully as far as I can tell (I will be able to sit down and read it even more in depth this evening :D)
~ a dream is a wish your heart makes ~
withinmyworld.org
Post Reply